Empty.
Fragile.
Busy.
Painful.
This is how my ego is described in Tim Keller’s powerful, little book The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness: The Path to True Christian Joy.
I’ve read it through three times now and even listened to an online sermon he gave on the topic. I’ve led a book club study on it, recommended it to many friends, and given away copies of it. I’m considering paying my kids to read it. It’s that kind of book.
Its message is incredibly freeing because it addresses a reality every single person in the world faces every single day of their lives . . the empty, busy, fragile, painful reality of our ego. Keller suggests the remedy to this messy reality comes through the Apostle Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 4:3-4:
I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.
My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.
I mentioned in my last post that I attended Allume last week. This was my third year attending, and I was super excited. It’s a wonderful conference.
There would be incredible speakers. I’d meet online friends in real life. They give us free books!
But the thing I was most excited about was taking my new found “freedom of self-forgetfulness” into a place that can scare my ego out of its wits and make it work overtime. Think “new kid at school on the playground.”
These are women that are doing what I do too. Writing, speaking, inspiring, encouraging. We have similar dreams and ambitions. And we’re all in different places on our journey. Some are just starting out, and since I’ve been stumbling along this path for four years, I love meeting and encouraging them. Others are miles ahead of me, and listening to their stories and encouragement gives me hope, knowledge and courage for my journey. I love to encourage them too by letting them know how they’ve influenced me and saying thank you.
It’s all very beautiful. Until my ego shows up with all its busy, fragile, painful, empty mess.
But this year would be different. I’d been living more and more of life free of the mess and letting God have the final say.
I really thought I’d kicked this thing.
And for the first 36 hours or so, there was little sign of my messy ego. The conversations and talks were full of encouragement and inspiration. Amongst all the words in my ears, I was hearing many more in my heart. God and I were having a running dialogue, and it was rich and directive.
In a nutshell, my heart was coming to a strong conviction and desire that whatever my words and actions say, there would be only one name I proclaimed. Jesus.
And my ego woke up!
For the rest of the conference she fought me like never before. I became that new kid on the playground, nearly paralyzed by insecurity and fear.
I couldn’t understand it. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation. I know better! But no matter what I did , I couldn’t make her shut up.
Early Saturday morning, I got up and went down to the lobby to read and talk to God. We really needed to get this thing figured out. I asked Him who He says I am, and He told me. My heart found some rest, but I still had 24 hours to go till the conference was over. And honestly, the rest of it was a battle too.
It wasn’t until this morning at home in the safety of my own bed that this craziness started to make some sense.
When I committed to proclaiming one name, the name of Jesus, through my online influence, I’d thrown down the gauntlet. And my enemy picked it up. He knows my weak spot. And my ego is fragile. It demands constant affirmation and has an absolutely insatiable appetite. Its drug is praise, and the more it gets, the more it craves. It is totally addicted.
And it knows the name of Jesus is its death sentence.
I’m thinking my ego’s death will probably be long and slow. It’s humbling, but I refuse to deny the reality of this battle. Because if I pretend there isn’t a part of me that lusts after praise, I am pretending my enemy doesn’t exist. And he’d love that.
So I’ll keep letting my God tell me who I am.
And I’ll keep saying His great name . . the name of Jesus.
And as my ego dies, His name will live loud in my heart and words.
I love this, Kim ~ thank you for your transparent words and sharing along the way of your journey with Him. It's beautiful!
Thank you for your kind words, MaryAnn. We can be such an encouragement to each other when we're transparent!
Live loud Kim! Loud with your words for His name! Cheers and thank you for sharing!!! Love it!
Yes, Logan! Thank you for your example and leading with such passion and humility. Allume was like youth camp (and I mean that in all the best ways) this year!
I read those same verses this morning. It's true. Jesus is really all that matters. I'm so glad you were there, Kim. So glad.
Thank you, Deidra. I'm always blessed when our paths cross . . online or in real life. Love you!
I so appreciate your honesty and transparency here, Kim. This line: "Its drug is praise, and the more it gets, the more it craves." Gracious sakes alive, how TRUE. Joining you in the long ego-death march.
I LOVE that Susan . . "the long ego-death march." I have a feeling that as we proclaim His name, it will be a glorious march 🙂 I'm so glad to have met you!
I understand this one, to the core, Kim. Thanks for sharing so vulnerably.
Oh, Jennifer, you are welcome. Your comment is encouraging. Not that misery loves company, but that our battle is common. You are one of those who inspire me!
I think you are in good company Kim. The more I feel that black hole of being consumed with myself, the more I give myself away. That seems to be the cure, for me anyway. It's what I learned while at Allume. I'm so glad we got to connect again. You radiate the love of Jesus through your beautiful countenance. I feel lucky to have met so many wonderful women in this crazy world of writing. What a gift!
That's a great remedy, Shelly! It makes me think of the verse "Don't be overcomed by evil, but overcome evil with good." SO glad to be in your company. Thank you so much for your encouragement, friend!
Yes, I agree with Shelly. One of the greatest antedotes to envy is to lavish kindness on others…to see what you can do for them, to praise their giftedness. It's all about selflessness and putting others first, because in reality, that's when you put God first.
Lynn
Kim, I am loving the diverse relevations coming out of Allume. I think we set up so many expectations for conferences and other experiences that I wonder how many of them ever get entirely met. One of my favorite things about God is that He's always coming from the direction we least expect; it's always right on time, and it's always just what we need, To God Be the Glory.
Looking forward to finally meeting you some day dreaming sister.
Peace and good,
Chelle
Yes, Chelle . . the direction we least expect. It can be frustrating, but the places He takes us are always so worth it! I look forward to meeting you too! Thank you for your faithful encouragement.
Beautiful!! Thank you for your honesty about something we surely all struggle with. So glad we got to meet!!
Thanks, Christine. It's such a comfort to know we don't struggle alone. It was great to meet you!!
I absolutely LOVE this Kim!!! You just wrote my heart. I wish I would have had more time, I wish I wouldn't have been sick, I wish I could have sat down with you, gleened from your wisdom and just shared from the deep places of our hearts over a cup of coffee (or tea), maybe some laughs or a few tears. Maybe one day, if I'm working again next year and you're attending I hope we can be intentional and spend some time talking and listening 🙂
Thank you for your transparency and your honesty.
Lanette, I would LOVE to sit and share with you! Let's keep connecting here and on FB till then, friend 🙂 Thank you so much for your encouragement.
Thank you for the encouragement 🙂 and I agree, let's keep connecting!
Kim, it's a daily battle, sometimes fought be covert forces I'm rarely aware of until they hit hard. Just when you think you are getting a handle on it, that crazy ego shakes you down and messes with your head again. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your wisdom. So encouraging to know it's not a battle we fight alone.
So we just keep telling each other and ourselves the truth of who we are, right Amy? Thanks so much for your encouragement. It was great to meet you at Allume!
It's such a journey, isn't it? So glad you wrote this, Kim. I'm glad for the few moments we shared together. It wasn't enough, though. But maybe New York, huh? 🙂
Yes it is! Thanks for your encouragement. And yes, New York! Start spreading the news . . .
When you said that your words would only proclaim Jesus – those were fighting words for Satan. And the fight will continue. Loved this post. From the heart and transparent.
Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against human opponents, but against rulers, authorities, cosmic powers in the darkness around us, and evil spiritual forces in the heavenly realm."
You're right, Janet! Thanks for your encouragement and that wonderful scripture. I need to always remember the reality of the spiritual battle and the truth of Satan's defeat!
Yes! I love Tim Keller's book and have also read it a few times. I want that kind of life. The kind that only cares about Jesus's name and all the rest falls away. And it's such a hard thing to fight for, but that's the only place we're free. I'm usually the one suffocating with insecurity and significance but God is at work and Allume was one of the first times I've ever felt totally free from it all. Honestly, I think the reason I feel so free is that these past few years and especially months have been so much about God stripping me bare. Down to the very joints and showing me how I move and it's so very ugly at times. But He's also shown how big He is, and in my weakness and falling apart, He's shown up. Can't wait to see what God does. It's going to big not because of you or I, but because God never fails.
Alia, I'm so glad you felt that freedom this year! I'm seeing all those verses about HIS glory and He ALONE in such new light. Glad to be walking this with you, friend. XO
This is a special and transparent post, Kim, and you and Michelle DeRusha are thinking in tandem today. But judging by the responses to both you and her, you're not the only ones who struggle with this. We all do. All artists do. As I'd said above, it's so important to praise others for their gifts. But something else has helped me to deal with ego and envy. Let me say it in musical terms, because I'm a vocalist as well as author. God has given me the song of life to sing. Every singer needs a score; for me, it's the Bible and all its principles–one such principle says not to covet. I try to sing notes of joy and praise and thanksgiving, rather than the sour notes of jealousy. Every singer needs a conductor. I ulitimately sing for Him alone (not for others). It's He whom I need to follow (so I don't need to follow others, trying to emulate them). Every singer needs an audience. I need only sing to the Audience of One. He's the only One whom I need to please, and it's His applause, alone, that matters. And please remember, when Ego reared her head for you at Allume, she is not the true enemy. Your Enemy (the one who incites ego) is, and He would do *anything* to stop you from declaring God's truths in freedom, with the particular gifts God has given you. I am sooo glad that you realized that and that you fought. I'm so glad that you are choosing to continue to proclaim the great name of Jesus, the One who has defeated ALL enemies!
God bless you!
Lynn Morrissey
What beautiful terms you've put this in . . a song, a singer, a conductor, and an audience. I will ponder that. And you called it what it is . . covetousness & envy. God is so clear about what He thinks about that . . "Thou shalt NOT." I so appreciate your wise and gracious words. Thank you, Lynn.
Friend. I waited until I got my own head sorted out before reading this…because I've been sensing that God is awakening us all for His purposes. You nailed it girl. Ego. The SAME thing in almost the SAME timing happened to me…because you are so right…we throw it down and the enemy picks it up. So lets be faithful to praying and loving one another through this hard, hard call. Bless you. So much.
Thank you, Loretta! Your words are so affirming . . to know we are fighting this battle beside and for each other. "So lets be faithful to praying and loving one another through this hard, hard call." YES!
Oh Kim…I LOVED meeting you at Allume and so appreciate the raw truth of your words here. You are not alone, and I'm fighting with you to hear who God says I am, to seek smallness in Him, and to listen alone to His GREAT name. Because it really is His delight to work in us for His glory alone…much love to you as we link arms and march on in Him together!
Jacque, it was wonderful meeting you too! Thank you for your encouraging words. "to seek smallness in Him" . . that gives me a picture in my head of a little girl wrapped in her father's arms, so content to be small and loved. Is there a better place?!
Oh Kim, you were truly one of my very favorite highlights of Allume! A totally unexpected surprise. Thank you so much for listening…hearing…and giving me words of life. You were such a blessing to me. God drew me to you and you were so generous with your time to me…a stranger. Bless you!
I so get that ego thing…yes, we have an enemy who will steal and destroy, but praise is surely his enemy. The other day as I began praying in my Moms In Prayer group, I started with, "Welcome to the battlefield prayer warriors!" Because we do exist in a battlefield and if we don't know it, we're sunk.